An Obamacare Christmas
The snowflakes were falling on Washington, D.C.
People were setting up their Christmas trees.
The chestnuts were roasting in Farragut Square,
With just a touch of magic in the silvery air.
But one man was unmoved by this Christmas drama.
Our 44th president, a grinch named Obama.
Looking out from the Oval Office, he took a grim view
As he surveyed the scene on Pennsylvania Avenue:
“Look at them out there,” he said to Sebelius.
“Ringing Christmas bells and singing old songs melodious.
But while they’re all caroling ‘O Holy Night,’
They’re badly neglecting my health care website.
“I gave them reform—they’ve been asking for years.
I pushed it through Congress, over Republicans’ fears.
They said ‘It’s a mistake. We are loath to begin it.’
But Pelosi said, ‘Pass it and then see what’s in it.’
“We Democrats passed it right down party lines.
They’ll all pay fair shares or else face hefty fines.
Republicans whined it’s ‘not how lawmaking’s done!’
To which we responded, ‘Get over it. We won.’
“The Supreme Court endorsed it, a ruling of note,
When Chief Justice Roberts cast the deciding vote.
I’m thankful his Commerce Clause interpretation was lax—
It isn’t a mandate, it’s only a tax!
“I had to make sure that the website worked well,
So I hired an old classmate of my wife, Michelle.
We spent $600 million and it took us three years,
But when the launch date came there was nothing but tears.
“Malfunctions were legion with crash after crash.
We were gonna need more of the taxpayers’ cash.
How much? We’re not telling! But no need to fret.
The law will be great, on that you can bet!
“In the meantime, with things all a tatter,
I held a press conference to quell all the chatter.
I gave a phone number, surely that would do,
But wouldn’t you know, they couldn’t get through.
“Now Congress and their staffs view the law with contempt,
But they’ll quiet down soon, ’cause they’ll all be exempt!
The gift of waivers I gave to businesses and friends.
With executive powers like mine, there’s really no end.
“Ted Cruz tried to stop it with all he could muster.
Why, he even held an old-fashioned talking filibuster.
He shouted ‘defund!’ for 21 hours,
But it didn’t take long for his fellow Republicans to cower.
“Still, signups were sluggish. They had to be faster,
Or else my new law would be a disaster.
I needed young people, the healthiest kind,
To pay for the rest. They’re politically blind!“
To subsidize old people across the nation,
We’re going to plunder the next generation.
It seemed so simple till the young folk got annoyed
They’re paying more taxes, but still unemployed.
“So, in an effort to make sure enrollments don’t plummet,
I decided it was high time to hold a youth summit.
‘You’re healthy right now, you young people,” I said.
‘But who knows? Tomorrow you all could be dead!
“‘To buy health insurance is your civic duty.
It’s a great deal, I promise. It’s really a beauty.’
But youngsters can tell when a salesman is lying.
They’re not signing up. They’re simply not buying.
“Affordable health care? It sure sounded nice.
Until people discovered the increase in price.
The premiums soared. There was something amiss.
Befuddled consumers cried “I can’t afford this!”
“People aren’t signing up and the website’s still broken.
The polling is in and the people have spoken.
They don’t like the law, and they’re upset with me.
They don’t like broken promises, apparently.”
Obama turned from the window with a sigh and a frown.
Kathleen shrugged her shoulders and said, “Don’t be down.
You got your law passed, with your trademark audacity.
Who cares if the website is filled to capacity?
“The law is in place, and they’ll have to submit.
So chin up! Shoulders back! We will win bit by bit.”
Matt Kibbe is the President and CEO of FreedomWorks and author of Hostile Takeover: Resisting Centralized Government’s Stranglehold on America.